Thanksgiving Gone Wrong Starters

"There's no way this bird is fitting in that oven."
"Do I look like I know how to cook?"
"Here, help me get this cornish hen inside the turkey. I want to convince my sister the turkey was pregnant."
"If I hear one more Christmas song I'm going to throttle someone."
"My family made it a whole ten minutes before arguing this year."
"Backyard football got a little heated, can you meet me at the ER?"
"I need you to run back to the store."
"You didn't tell me that I had to kill the turkey!"
"I think the stuffing is laced with drugs."
"I don't think my mom has caught on yet that my brother's roommate is his boyfriend yet. She's letting them share a room."
"Don't you think it's a little racist the neighbors dress up their kids as Native Americans?"
"I'm lost somewhere between the dairy aisle and the end of the check-out line."
"Oh my God, I hate your family."
"I can't tell if your grandma is asleep on the couch or dead."
"What asshole decided to hold the election right before a major family holiday?"
"No, really, the bed in my room is too small to fuck on. It's like my parents are trying to sabotage me."
"The line for the bathroom is 12 deep."
"I'm still at the airport."
"Why do I smell something burning -- oh."
"You can't use fireworks to cook!"
"The turkey hotline blocked my number."
"Why is your head in the turkey?!"