❄ ᶜʰʳᶦˢᵗᵐᵃˢ ˢᵗᵃʳᵗᵉʳˢ ᶠʳᵒᵐ ᵛᵃʳᶦᵒᵘˢ ˢʰᵒʷˢ ❄

damnbutcher:

christmas/holiday specific sentences from brooklyn nine nine, community, and 2 broke girls!  send one for my muses reaction. feel free to change gender, name, or anything that needs changing in order for it to make sense to have come from your muse.

❝ I’ve gone years without a lump of coal. I’m not gonna start now. ❞
❝ Hit him in his fat cherry cheeks! ❞
❝ Boom! Just kicked Santa in the testicles. ❞
❝ Under no circumstances do I want a present. ❞
❝ I could take a picture of myself dressed up as an elf. Elfie-selfie! ❞
❝ You see, those are the kind of things that you learn when you’re handcuffed together, and that is the true meaning of Christmas. ❞
❝ I got it! You smiled! Christmas card complete. ❞
❝ Oh, did you lift your “no gift” policy? ❞
❝ Holy crap! I love this stuff! You know, technically, it’s just carbonated fudge. ❞
❝ Your real present arrives tomorrow. ❞
❝ It’s either that or go caroling with my family, so, yeah. I’d rather walk into the freezing ocean. ❞
❝ Are you excited about going to town on Daddy’s nog? ❞
❝ Christmas is cancelled. You ruined it. ❞
❝ Christmas charades can get pretty competitive and it’s best not to have firearms around. ❞
❝ We’re trapped, on Christmas, with a bunch of bad guys who are very likely German. This is my John McClane moment. ❞
❝ No lies on Christmas. ❞
❝ Thanks for agreeing to get in the spirit and do holiday cupcakes. ❞
❝ Much better than last year when you got so drunk you turned the 12 days of Christmas into the 12 steps of Christmas. ❞
❝ Christmas is like herpes, no matter what you do, it’s gonna flare up once a year. ❞
❝ Hey, everybody! Holiday shopping tip: Fill a Starbucks cup with vodka. ❞
❝ You know who’s having a blue Christmas this year? My balls. ❞
❝ Bankers have more guilt at Christmastime because of It’s A Wonderful Life. ❞
❝ I’m beginning to think if Grandma works for you, she didn’t get run over by that reindeer, she threw herself under a sleigh. ❞
❝ For your Christmas gift, I’ll pretend I never heard that. ❞
❝ I made you a little gift, because you’re like my new family. ❞
❝ You realize there’s no way to take this than as a giant middle finger to the most important day of the year. ❞
❝ This will be the only Christmas party I throw this year. ❞
❝ Fake-murdering people is gonna be my new holiday tradition. ❞
❝ I’m also a Christmas wizard. ❞
❝ I’d like to put you into a state of Christmasnosis and take you on a magic journey. ❞
❝ You all know how magic Christmas journeys work. ❞
❝ I guess that means you’re gonna have me ejected for not loving Christmas enough. ❞
❝ You’re trying to destroy Christmas because you blame your sadness on it. ❞
❝ The delusion you’re trying to cure is called Christmas. ❞
❝ The meaning of Christmas is the idea that Christmas has meaning, and it can mean whatever we want. ❞
❝ Attempts to make the holidays brighter tend to give them a certain darkness. ❞
❝ What’s a Christmas Eve? Is that Santa’s lady? ❞
❝ Won’t you be my daddy? I’m a silly Christmas baby! ❞