Awkward Valentine’s Day/Date Starters

the-bark-is-worse:

• “So…I can’t afford Netflix, but we can Redbox and chill if you want?”
  
• “Roses were sold out everywhere, so I got you a bucket of chicken instead.”
  
• “The date was great! Well … until we got to his apartment where his dog kept trying to hump me.”
  
• “Every year I tell you the same thing; I don’t like white chocolate!!”
  
• “Not only did he take me to McDonalds for Valentine’s, he used coupons to pay for it.”
  
• “All the stores were sold out of condoms…”
  
• “I think there was something wrong with the food because I don’t feel so good.”
  
• “We need to cut this date short because I’m going to shit myself.”
  
• “PLEASE tell me your credit card did NOT just get declined.”
  
• “What do you mean you’re in labor, the baby’s not due for another month and these tickets weren’t cheap!!”
  
• “Did you get any of those rose petals stuck between your ass cheeks?”
  
• “Are you okay?! I swear I didn’t mean to pop the cork into your face!”
  
• “He not only showed up to our date wasted, but broke a $200 bottle of champagne over his head.”
  
• “So not exactly the surprise you were hoping for, but we’re having a baby.”
  
• “There weren’t any nuts in those chocolates were there?”
  
• “I think I’d rather have been home alone with a pint of ice cream than to have come out on this date with you tonight.”
  
• “I’m sorry my overwhelming libido put you in the hospital.”
  
• “I’m sorry, I can’t help it; I’m lactose intolerant.”
  
• “I can’t drink any champagne because … I might be pregnant.”
  
• “He asked if he could ‘lick my pussy’ and I told him I didn’t have a cat.”
  
• “Quick, call 911; the stove’s on fire.”
  
• “Wait, if you don’t have a car, how are you taking me out then?”
  
• “I don’t think drizzling chocolate on the bed was a very good idea … ”
  
• “I’d kiss you but there were red onions in my dish … ”
  
• “Either I’ve got food poisoning or the baby’s coming.”
  
• “I wanted to propose to you tonight but I think our waitress … kinda stole the ring.”
  
• “I know spending Valentine’s in the hospital isn’t very romantic, but I can’t tell you how happy I am that you stayed.”
  
• “So, um, I don’t think we can have sex tonight. I just got my period.”
• “If you’re going to fart in my car, at least give me a warning next time.”
  
• “My/Your dress totally ripped up the back and now my/your ass is hanging out.”
  
• “We weren’t even ten minutes into our date before he pulled his dick out and started jerking it under the table!!”
  
• “I don’t mean to be rude, but did you brush your teeth with garlic or something?! The smell is overwhelming.”
  
• “Not only was he/she late to our Skype date, but I could see his/her side guy/chick in his/her bed in the background!”
  
• “Well, being handcuffed and arrested certainly made the date exciting.”
  
• “No, we’re going to have to cancel our reservations, I can’t find a sitter.”
  
• “Even though I peed myself in the middle of our date, we still had a good time.”
  
• “Well, I had bought you a really nice Valentine’s gift, but one of the kids thought it’d be funny to flush it down the toilet.”
  
• “I’m the master of the microwave.”
  
• “Oh. Um, they must have mixed up our plates. That ring isn’t for you.”
  
• “I was so nervous for the date, I forgot to put deodorant on. That might be why they haven’t called me in a few days.”
  
• “If you’re expecting an engagement ring tonight, then I’ve got bad news for you.”
  
• “He tied me to the bed, told me to call him daddy, and next thing I know, he’s face down between my legs, snoring.”